Life Searching continues…………
I wish I had more than movies to inspire me for the beginnings of my blog, but I just don’t! I mention The Help tonight, because I’m reminiscing about when I first saw Viola Davis’ performance, and it bought be to such tears that it bought on my very first book. So a heartfelt thanks to Viola Davis forever. But a more recent attribute, I own the movie and watch it from time to time, recently tweeted to Cicely Tyson and caught a scene that I missed before, or maybe didn’t speak to me as it did before. It is the scene where Aiby and Minny send off Miss Skeeter telling her to “Go find your life.”
She didn’t belong there. There was nothing for her there. They knew that, and blessed her on her way.
I’ve been trying to find my life. It hasn’t found me. For two years I’ve been finally blessed with a great setup. Renting from my parents in New York City, a steady job, and some stability after high school hell. But then there’s the void. I just don’t want to be OK. I want to do something great. I want more.
I’ve gotten past the guilt of wanting more as being selfish or ungrateful but just simply wanting to live to my fullest potential. And I don’t feel I’m doing that.
So for two years, I’ve been finding life. I live in a great city, and with sites like Meetup.com and various dating sites, I am meeting lots and lots of people. They are out there. Whether they are nuts, or normal, or interesting, I’m meeting them. Talking to them. I have great friends but it never hurts to network and explore, if you are looking for more as I am.
I’ve completed the Graphic Design program at Pace, which only touched upon coding.
I felt I could explore more of that, and therefore enrolled in this Introduction to Python course that I took tonight.
Scenario: Class Begins….Girl Seeking Life Excited to Possibly Find Her Path
Teacher? Smart Asian from Harvard…really hot! He’s speaking of algorithms and variables and almost making it sexy. But the topic, its really not.
This genius next to me already pointed out to me three things to begin with, is on some kind of nerd chat most likely and multitasking, already knowing full well the technicalities at an intro class. I am jealous. I seek the knowledge. Some knowledge. This topic though, will surely kill me.
I had a nightmare last night of being unprepared for a test, it was math, I forgot my calculator. I made excuses to the teacher, was trying to cheat off my peers, the works. Woke up grateful it wasn’t real. It must have been a premonition of this class. I knew Python was coding, but algorithms, variables, were terms I have not heard since high school, possibly first year college. I don’t know why I chose this. Perhaps I am blindly shooting in the dark trying to tag something. Perhaps I should look more into these things before I commit to them.
I thought it was coding, but it is like regents math that I failed in high school!
Am I a masochist? Why would I place myself in with the very thing of hate?
I really don’t know. And I don’t need to, thank God. I am past the point of taking tests, and if I want to be a secretary for the rest of my life, by God I have a right to do so.
But I don’t want to. That is why I’m taking these classes to find another life path. I don’t want to go to law school, or medical school, and apparently being a computer programmer sucks to.
An unsatisfied drifter? I don’t want to live my life this way!
Life coach? Perhaps my well-earned dollars which I thought would be wasted on one of these would perhaps be the best bet. Because I’m getting all sort of phrases spewed at me.
Why am I learning about Booleans? I haven’t heard of this since the Alta Vista search engine my mother tried to educate me of I the 90s! Yes…the 90s.
I typed in “fuck” in the search field, with the proper quotations and it said “true.” Funny, I thought I’d get false.
I’m still fascinated that you can write on the actual wall with a marker now. Yes..the teacher has marked up the perfectly white walls with marker, and erases with a rag to rewrite. I miss the chalkboard days. My duty was to erase the chalkboard, every once in awhile. It was second grade, it was classroom duty. It was easy.
I am not stupid. But I’m unsatisfied. And I don’t want to do anything “major” hence law school, Ph.D., Masters routes I chose to mention above.
So where does that leave me now?
I ask the Universe, day in and day out, until something answers and delivers. I know I have more potential that what I’m “doing.” I know I want more. But I just don’t want these things. I am envious of those who have found it. Envy is one of the seven deadly sins. So that means I sin perpetually, unconsciously, hopelessly.
Needless to say, I left the class. I waited until the break which was an hour and a half in what would have been three hours. But I had my computer unplugged and my gear ready, and I hightailed it out of there. Am I lazy? Am I not serious about finding life? I’m not sure. But I am sure what I don’t want. And I don’t want anything to do with Python.
Any suggestions for someone like me? Ever searching, ever hoping. Thanks.