I am to turn 34 the end of this summer. And I work for someone four years younger.
I work in a cubicle. He works in an office. I used to not care. This kind of thing is something I mocked in my very first WordPress blog over a year ago entitled “It’s Not That I’m Lazy, It’s Just That I Don’t Care.”
I didn’t care then and I don’t care now…not about what I “do.” I am responsible for where I’m at. There is no one else to blame. I did not work at a Masters degree or medical school or anything of that nature, but in the past year I have been trying to work at finding a career path..or any path for that matter. I just completed a Graphic Design Program, only to find that freelance would most likely be my best bet, paywise.
I know that if I found this “thing” I’m supposed to I would work very hard at it. I can’t freakin’ find it!! I know by now for my wonderful readers who have been following me, this has been a recurring theme of mine, and I apologize. But it’s just where I’m at right now.
The growing satisfaction is becoming like molten lava and when I erupt I really hope that it forms over and dries on me a mold which I could live with, in which case it wouldn’t be a “mold,” because I would actually be living.
Diving into different projects is a start, I guess.
But I tend to start things and not complete. And to start in itself is a task. The fear then cripples. I am afraid to start. And then once I do I realize the passion isn’t there like it used to be. And I don’t want to write a bad, boring, or emotionless blog. So I stop. Until something should hit me. And it usually doesn’t for months and months.
For instance this very blog post, I started weeks ago (possibly over a month once it gets beyond this paragraph) only to complete just this evening. I used to write in a passionate feeding frenzy, literally with my tongue hanging out at the thrill, sometimes throughout the night.
Now I begin just to begin and just to conquer the very fear of beginning. And then nothing. Perhaps I could write endless blogs about how I can’t write? I wouldn’t want to poison the WordPress or virtual world with such complaining and limit my audience to only those as frustrated with life as I am.
Why continue? Well I have just enough gumption left to not completely let it go. I have enough life in me to not want to become an empty shell or lost soul, living but not..the undead. I have more potential than my cubicle. An office doesn’t “define” you per se, but I am not content with being the undead. I guess that is a start.
Current sporadic jolts of hope:
- Joel Osteen
- Joni Mitchell
- When I actually like a man enough to have sex with him, and he likes me enough to do so in return
- An intermittent sale of one of my ebooks on Amazon