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Silent Thoughts

I find myself with soulful thoughts today sitting at my table, once again, at a holiday craft show. Today it is very festive with Christmas music. The setting is in a Catholic Church and my table is facing the stage where all the exquisite raffle prizes are displayed in baskets so elegantly designed.

As I sit listening to festive music and greeting people either passing my table or stopping to look at my designs. “Hello, how are you today,” I find myself repeating throughout the day. I get a return smile or return sentiment. Some will pick up my book to read the back and return the book to its place and walk away.

When I first began displaying my crafts last year at craft shows I loved talking with people, sharing my story about Jason and networking with other crafters. I picked up valuable ideas for knew designs and met so many amazing talented friends.

Today I’m not so inspired. I wonder why? I know I haven’t felt well for sometime and seeking help for my symptoms; however, I thought if I attended the show this weekend, it would boost my inner spirits.

Is it the upcoming anniversary of Jason’s death getting me down? It is nine years, one would think I would have accepted it by now? How does one get over the death of their child? I am not one to feel sorry for myself. Just maybe it is time to make a change.

When Jason was young I found the only way I could live through the hard days was to fight back. I got involved. I actively sought out organization’s where I could be involved with to seek funding, fight to keep much needed funds by speaking out to local politicians and involve myself directly in the need of helping myself and my family.

This must be it. I’m too passive. I need to be more aggressive, and only then, my heart will be full and my soul will be content again knowing I am paying it forward.

Next year there will be changes in my life. I’m going to find a way to work with organizations advocating for special needs families. I will use my book, Our Special Child Jason’s Story, as a catalyst. I need to make a difference and I will. Sitting around at craft shows is fun but I need to take another avenue to honor my son.

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